Contraception and TTC (Trying to Conceive)

Do you know what contraception is? It's birth control. Do you know what birth control does? It not only "prevents" pregnancy, but in the event that the egg is still fertilized, the birth control ends the pregnancy. It ends a life. Life begins at conception. Yes, I am Catholic before anyone asks. So, even at the age of 17, my husband and I decided not to use contraception once we got married. Not only because of our beliefs, but also because we wanted a "surprise." If God wanted us to have a baby, then I would conceive, and we would be accepting of it. Part of our wedding vows is being open to new life, which means we would accept God's plan if we were to conceive a child. 

More than 8 years later, and still no pregnancy. Now, I am 26. I have done multiple treatment methods to conceive, but with not positive results. Apparently, I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). I do not ovulate. Hell, sometimes I don't even have a period for months at a time. The first round of fertility treatment I did, one of my ovaries were over-stimulated. A cyst ruptured, and I was bleeding into my abdomen. After going to the ER for the pain, which had reached my collarbone at this point making it extremely difficult to move, my GYN had to perform emergency surgery to drain the more than two pints of blood that had accumulated. While I was under, he ran the dye through my tubes to make sure everything was open. It was. The last treatment I did, earlier this year, I only had one follicle produce to ALMOST mature size for releasing an egg. We still took the hCG shot, but the results were still negative. 

Do you know how hard it is to come from a large family where husbands and wives can almost look at each other and get pregnant? Do you know what it feels like to be less of a woman because you can't conceive? After hours and hours of research on the internet, I found multiple sites about women going through similar things. I was amazed at how strong everyone seemed to be. I was not the only "crazy" one. I was not the only one that bought multiple pregnancy tests every month hoping for that "BFP" for me and my husband. Nothing about trying to conceive (TTC) is easy when your body works against you. It's hard to relate to everyone you know who already has children; many have multiple children. I know people who have had miscarriages, and I could not imagine their pain, and I do not wish to. I can only know my own pain and the pain of not knowing if I will ever carry my own child. I am most definitely not opposed to adoption, but I would still love to know the feeling of carrying my own child, made from the love shared between me and my husband. 

I started this blog for my own reasons. Others may relate to it. Many may not. Most people will probably overlook my blog and my story. That's everyone's prerogative. We have the right to choose what we read, but maybe one day, someone else will know that they are not alone in their struggles. In the mean time, I refuse to give up even when depression is trying to win me over. I have to fight against it, even though some days, I want to spend my day on the couch with a book, or a movie, and a box of tissues because the tears just will not stop. It seems to get worse as the years roll by, but this blog is a way to let it out and not let the sadness consume me.

Mary