Is anything ever easy? Is paying bills easy? Going to the doctor? Hearing the truth? I think a lot. Many of us do; whether we admit or not, it's extremely easy to get stuck inside our own heads. I used to be able to talk about everything. I'm upset; let me call my sister. I'm angry; let me tell me husband all about it. You know what I've learned recently? People do not always want to hear all the negativity going on in our lives. My negativity results from being unable to achieve the things we feel, as women, we are supposed to be able to do. For more than 8 years, I have been unable to conceive. For more than 8 years, I have prayed to be able to conceive. For more than 8 years, my husband has watched me sink into myself for every negative pregnancy test taken.
Did I mention that I was an Army wife for just 7 1/2 years? Yep, I was. In those years, I learned a lot about myself, about others, about my marriage, marriage in general, my relationship with my husband, and family. You can learn a lot when you observe, or even when yo submerse yourself into your environment. I have done both. At just 18-years-old, my mother watched me get on a plane (first flight ever) to join my husband in South Korea for the next two years. TWO years, away from the family I had never left. I was nervous, excited, beyond ecstatic to be joining my husband again.
During those two years were the times where we were not "actively trying" to conceive; I think we just both thought it would happen naturally. Come one... Look at my family - baby-making machines. :) It never happened. Towards the end of those two years, I started taking ovulation tests to try to time it. Something funny when you're young and still naive, you do not know your body as well as you think you might. I always knew I had irregular periods, but I thought that was natural because I had started so young. It would have been easy to go to the doctor and say I was not getting pregnant after two years. It would have been easy to admit defeat from my reproductive organs. No! What was easy was thinking that we just had to have sex as often as we could, no matter what was going on. Believe me, the practicing is definitely fun, but as the months go by, and the cycles continue, your brain starts to take over.
Your brain....... It can definitely be your worst enemy. You think you understand what's going on, but you don't. All those ovulation tests I started taking? Not once in over a year was able to get a positive LH surge. Not ONE! I was devastated, confused, perplexed. I began to doubt. I began to question. Still, I did not yet seek medical advice. Everyone always says, "it just isn't the right time yet," "you're still young, you have PLENTY of time." Do people stop to think about what the person is going through before they say these things? Normally, they think making light of it probably eases some of the tension. For those of us experiencing it, the words can be devastating. Now, I know they mean well in their words, but that does not necessarily take away the sting of their words. When I run into people I know, whom I have not seen in ages, they ask if I have kids yet. Saying no with a smile on my face makes me feel fake, because I do not feel like smiling about that fact that I do not have kids yet. What else are you supposed to say? Are these remarks easy? Is listening to "words of wisdom" from others not experiencing one negative after another easy? The answer to these questions is no. None of it is easy. Apparently, it is up to me to grin and bear what others have to say.
Until next time........... I will continue to grin and bear while pretending things can be easy!
Mary
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