Wow! Two years since I've posted on here. A lot has happened in that time. Someone actually commented on my blog from 2 years ago, today of all days. I'll start back in 2015.
In September of 2015, I turned 27. Want to know what my birthday present was? Positive pregnancy tests. I had done it. I had finally gotten what I had been praying for for so long. I was only 3 weeks when I found out I was pregnant, but I started spotting. I went to my OB/GYN. He proceeded to tell me, in a raised voice, that it was impossible to know I was pregnant that early. My breasts were tender, I was tired, and the tests were positive. He ran beta HCG, quantitative and qualitative HCG tests. He came back in the room looking very subdued and confirmed my pregnancy. He told me the brown discharge was normal and nothing to be concerned about. This doctor had previously assisted us in different fertility methods, but he didn't run further tests. I no longer blame him, but he had previously told me I was high risk for miscarriage, yet he did not run any additional blood work. After the yelling and him telling me to schedule a follow up when I was at 9 weeks, I looked at the nurse, very tearfully, and said, "you know I'm not coming back here right." She apologized on behalf of the doctor. She also called me the next day and informed me the doctor that owned the practice was willing to be my doctor and apologized again. Still, I refused. But the story continues, and it's still not pleasant.
During this time, I was completing my internship to earn my Master's degree. I had found a pro-life OB/GYN in another town, where I was completing my internship. I called to get an appointment. Worked with his midwife consistently. By the time the tests were run and I had the prescription I needed for low progesterone, it was too late. I made it home after driving to multiple pharmacies and multiple phone calls to get the script. Within 5 minutes of arriving home after cramping, spotting, and begging God, I miscarried. I had lost my baby at almost 6 weeks pregnant. My husband was offshore by then, so I was alone. I tried to call my sister who didn't answer. I ended up calling my mom, hysterical. She came, then my sister called back and came to me as well. My sister prayed the rosary with me when I was calm enough. She sat with me while I called my husband and woke up his ship captain in the middle of the night. I told my husband I had lost our baby. The child we had prayed for and went through hell to conceive. He offered to come home, but there was nothing he could do. I told him to stay at work because we couldn't afford for him to miss financially. He came home a week and half after it all happened.
Something to add, I began taking Pregnitude in January of 2015. It's a dietary supplement I found through natural family planning websites. It's not FDA approved but I did begin to ovulate and have more regular cycles.
In the last 2 years since I lost our baby, I have continued to take only the Pregnitude. I was done with trying other methods. However, I continued to see the pro-life physician. His recommendation was to have a procedure to check for and remove endometriosis. I had the surgery last Thursday on November 2, 2017. He told me he's had multiple patients have the surgery and conceive, sometimes even deliver, within the year. I go back for my post-op appointment and get more details on Monday. Dr. did inform my husband that he removed, as suspected, endometriosis but also a large cyst on one of my ovaries and a fibroid.
Right now, I have renewed hope. Renewed faith. I know now that I have done everything within my power and the power of man to have a child. Everything is now up to God. I will continue to pray, continue to hope. Most importantly, I have to continue to place my trust in God, each and every day. For His perfect will to be done. Not mine. I'm 29 years old now. I've been trying for more than 11 years. I'm so tired. But, I'm not finished yet. God is not finished with me yet.
If my blog reaches even 1 person, then sharing my story is worth it. I have more to say, but I'll save that for another post. Either today or tomorrow, I will share more parts to the story. My prayers are with those struggling. I know I'm not alone, even though it often feels that way. I don't share this story lightly. I don't post about it on facebook or bring it up in casual conversations. So I hope, that if you're reading this, you're looking for hope and that you find the hope and faith that I have gained through these experiences.
With all my love and my prayers,
Mary
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Friday, January 9, 2015
Who says its easy?
Is anything ever easy? Is paying bills easy? Going to the doctor? Hearing the truth? I think a lot. Many of us do; whether we admit or not, it's extremely easy to get stuck inside our own heads. I used to be able to talk about everything. I'm upset; let me call my sister. I'm angry; let me tell me husband all about it. You know what I've learned recently? People do not always want to hear all the negativity going on in our lives. My negativity results from being unable to achieve the things we feel, as women, we are supposed to be able to do. For more than 8 years, I have been unable to conceive. For more than 8 years, I have prayed to be able to conceive. For more than 8 years, my husband has watched me sink into myself for every negative pregnancy test taken.
Did I mention that I was an Army wife for just 7 1/2 years? Yep, I was. In those years, I learned a lot about myself, about others, about my marriage, marriage in general, my relationship with my husband, and family. You can learn a lot when you observe, or even when yo submerse yourself into your environment. I have done both. At just 18-years-old, my mother watched me get on a plane (first flight ever) to join my husband in South Korea for the next two years. TWO years, away from the family I had never left. I was nervous, excited, beyond ecstatic to be joining my husband again.
During those two years were the times where we were not "actively trying" to conceive; I think we just both thought it would happen naturally. Come one... Look at my family - baby-making machines. :) It never happened. Towards the end of those two years, I started taking ovulation tests to try to time it. Something funny when you're young and still naive, you do not know your body as well as you think you might. I always knew I had irregular periods, but I thought that was natural because I had started so young. It would have been easy to go to the doctor and say I was not getting pregnant after two years. It would have been easy to admit defeat from my reproductive organs. No! What was easy was thinking that we just had to have sex as often as we could, no matter what was going on. Believe me, the practicing is definitely fun, but as the months go by, and the cycles continue, your brain starts to take over.
Your brain....... It can definitely be your worst enemy. You think you understand what's going on, but you don't. All those ovulation tests I started taking? Not once in over a year was able to get a positive LH surge. Not ONE! I was devastated, confused, perplexed. I began to doubt. I began to question. Still, I did not yet seek medical advice. Everyone always says, "it just isn't the right time yet," "you're still young, you have PLENTY of time." Do people stop to think about what the person is going through before they say these things? Normally, they think making light of it probably eases some of the tension. For those of us experiencing it, the words can be devastating. Now, I know they mean well in their words, but that does not necessarily take away the sting of their words. When I run into people I know, whom I have not seen in ages, they ask if I have kids yet. Saying no with a smile on my face makes me feel fake, because I do not feel like smiling about that fact that I do not have kids yet. What else are you supposed to say? Are these remarks easy? Is listening to "words of wisdom" from others not experiencing one negative after another easy? The answer to these questions is no. None of it is easy. Apparently, it is up to me to grin and bear what others have to say.
Until next time........... I will continue to grin and bear while pretending things can be easy!
Mary
Did I mention that I was an Army wife for just 7 1/2 years? Yep, I was. In those years, I learned a lot about myself, about others, about my marriage, marriage in general, my relationship with my husband, and family. You can learn a lot when you observe, or even when yo submerse yourself into your environment. I have done both. At just 18-years-old, my mother watched me get on a plane (first flight ever) to join my husband in South Korea for the next two years. TWO years, away from the family I had never left. I was nervous, excited, beyond ecstatic to be joining my husband again.
During those two years were the times where we were not "actively trying" to conceive; I think we just both thought it would happen naturally. Come one... Look at my family - baby-making machines. :) It never happened. Towards the end of those two years, I started taking ovulation tests to try to time it. Something funny when you're young and still naive, you do not know your body as well as you think you might. I always knew I had irregular periods, but I thought that was natural because I had started so young. It would have been easy to go to the doctor and say I was not getting pregnant after two years. It would have been easy to admit defeat from my reproductive organs. No! What was easy was thinking that we just had to have sex as often as we could, no matter what was going on. Believe me, the practicing is definitely fun, but as the months go by, and the cycles continue, your brain starts to take over.
Your brain....... It can definitely be your worst enemy. You think you understand what's going on, but you don't. All those ovulation tests I started taking? Not once in over a year was able to get a positive LH surge. Not ONE! I was devastated, confused, perplexed. I began to doubt. I began to question. Still, I did not yet seek medical advice. Everyone always says, "it just isn't the right time yet," "you're still young, you have PLENTY of time." Do people stop to think about what the person is going through before they say these things? Normally, they think making light of it probably eases some of the tension. For those of us experiencing it, the words can be devastating. Now, I know they mean well in their words, but that does not necessarily take away the sting of their words. When I run into people I know, whom I have not seen in ages, they ask if I have kids yet. Saying no with a smile on my face makes me feel fake, because I do not feel like smiling about that fact that I do not have kids yet. What else are you supposed to say? Are these remarks easy? Is listening to "words of wisdom" from others not experiencing one negative after another easy? The answer to these questions is no. None of it is easy. Apparently, it is up to me to grin and bear what others have to say.
Until next time........... I will continue to grin and bear while pretending things can be easy!
Mary
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Contraception and TTC (Trying to Conceive)
Do you know what contraception is? It's birth control. Do you know what birth control does? It not only "prevents" pregnancy, but in the event that the egg is still fertilized, the birth control ends the pregnancy. It ends a life. Life begins at conception. Yes, I am Catholic before anyone asks. So, even at the age of 17, my husband and I decided not to use contraception once we got married. Not only because of our beliefs, but also because we wanted a "surprise." If God wanted us to have a baby, then I would conceive, and we would be accepting of it. Part of our wedding vows is being open to new life, which means we would accept God's plan if we were to conceive a child.
More than 8 years later, and still no pregnancy. Now, I am 26. I have done multiple treatment methods to conceive, but with not positive results. Apparently, I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). I do not ovulate. Hell, sometimes I don't even have a period for months at a time. The first round of fertility treatment I did, one of my ovaries were over-stimulated. A cyst ruptured, and I was bleeding into my abdomen. After going to the ER for the pain, which had reached my collarbone at this point making it extremely difficult to move, my GYN had to perform emergency surgery to drain the more than two pints of blood that had accumulated. While I was under, he ran the dye through my tubes to make sure everything was open. It was. The last treatment I did, earlier this year, I only had one follicle produce to ALMOST mature size for releasing an egg. We still took the hCG shot, but the results were still negative.
Do you know how hard it is to come from a large family where husbands and wives can almost look at each other and get pregnant? Do you know what it feels like to be less of a woman because you can't conceive? After hours and hours of research on the internet, I found multiple sites about women going through similar things. I was amazed at how strong everyone seemed to be. I was not the only "crazy" one. I was not the only one that bought multiple pregnancy tests every month hoping for that "BFP" for me and my husband. Nothing about trying to conceive (TTC) is easy when your body works against you. It's hard to relate to everyone you know who already has children; many have multiple children. I know people who have had miscarriages, and I could not imagine their pain, and I do not wish to. I can only know my own pain and the pain of not knowing if I will ever carry my own child. I am most definitely not opposed to adoption, but I would still love to know the feeling of carrying my own child, made from the love shared between me and my husband.
I started this blog for my own reasons. Others may relate to it. Many may not. Most people will probably overlook my blog and my story. That's everyone's prerogative. We have the right to choose what we read, but maybe one day, someone else will know that they are not alone in their struggles. In the mean time, I refuse to give up even when depression is trying to win me over. I have to fight against it, even though some days, I want to spend my day on the couch with a book, or a movie, and a box of tissues because the tears just will not stop. It seems to get worse as the years roll by, but this blog is a way to let it out and not let the sadness consume me.
Mary
More than 8 years later, and still no pregnancy. Now, I am 26. I have done multiple treatment methods to conceive, but with not positive results. Apparently, I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). I do not ovulate. Hell, sometimes I don't even have a period for months at a time. The first round of fertility treatment I did, one of my ovaries were over-stimulated. A cyst ruptured, and I was bleeding into my abdomen. After going to the ER for the pain, which had reached my collarbone at this point making it extremely difficult to move, my GYN had to perform emergency surgery to drain the more than two pints of blood that had accumulated. While I was under, he ran the dye through my tubes to make sure everything was open. It was. The last treatment I did, earlier this year, I only had one follicle produce to ALMOST mature size for releasing an egg. We still took the hCG shot, but the results were still negative.
Do you know how hard it is to come from a large family where husbands and wives can almost look at each other and get pregnant? Do you know what it feels like to be less of a woman because you can't conceive? After hours and hours of research on the internet, I found multiple sites about women going through similar things. I was amazed at how strong everyone seemed to be. I was not the only "crazy" one. I was not the only one that bought multiple pregnancy tests every month hoping for that "BFP" for me and my husband. Nothing about trying to conceive (TTC) is easy when your body works against you. It's hard to relate to everyone you know who already has children; many have multiple children. I know people who have had miscarriages, and I could not imagine their pain, and I do not wish to. I can only know my own pain and the pain of not knowing if I will ever carry my own child. I am most definitely not opposed to adoption, but I would still love to know the feeling of carrying my own child, made from the love shared between me and my husband.
I started this blog for my own reasons. Others may relate to it. Many may not. Most people will probably overlook my blog and my story. That's everyone's prerogative. We have the right to choose what we read, but maybe one day, someone else will know that they are not alone in their struggles. In the mean time, I refuse to give up even when depression is trying to win me over. I have to fight against it, even though some days, I want to spend my day on the couch with a book, or a movie, and a box of tissues because the tears just will not stop. It seems to get worse as the years roll by, but this blog is a way to let it out and not let the sadness consume me.
Mary
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Where does it all begin?
16-years-old. That's where my story begins. Before then, my dating life was extremely limited. Dated a few guys, had two "steady" boyfriend, the last one ending one month before I met him. Funny story....... we met at Wal-Mart. He was cute, quiet. Didn't really say much that first night we met. But I did get to ride in his truck. I loved it. Funniest thing, he was interested in my friend first. After we hung out that night, with mutual friends, I asked his friend (who happened to be a really good friend of mine) to give me his AIM screen name. After about two weeks of talking to him, I decided I liked him, but I did NOT expect a relationship. We met a little before Christmas, and I wanted a NYE kiss. So I asked my friend if he minded if I dated his friend. He said no! Me and Ryan decided to hang out NYE, so I could get my kiss. :)
The easy story would be that the rest is history. Hell, I got married at 17, and I don't regret it. It has now been more than 8 years, and it has not always been easy. Anyone who ever says they have a perfect marriage or that marriage is not hard or that it does not take work, lies. However, I can say that through all the rough patches, if two people really work, they can overcome them. There have been many chapters over the last 8 + years, but they have all been adventurous in some way or another.....
Let me make a formal introduction of myself...
My name is Mary. I am 26-years-old. I am currently in graduate school for Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I am from a large family. I will not share details about anyone in my family or disclose their identities. This blog is for me. What do I hope to accomplish by writing this blog? I don't honestly know. Do you ever just get an urge or an instinct to try something different? Have you ever wanted to tell your story? Do you ever wonder if others can learn from your story? If I am being honest, my posts may flip-flop in time frames, but I will try to provide a label (year or time-frame). However, I do feel that other people may benefit from my story or a part of the story. It is not completely filled with angst. There are happy times, depressive times, angry times, etc. Emotions are a part of life, and we do not always have a map to guide us through those emotions. Will I be posting everyday? Not necessarily. When inspiration strikes, I will post, but I do plan to post at a minimum, once per week.
I do not know if anyone will read this, but if you do read this and decide to respond in any way, all I ask is that you are respectful that this is MY story, and MY experiences. I do not want critical and insensitive feedback, but I will accept responses. If anyone is reading this, thank you for taking the time to read and/or follow my story.
Mary
The easy story would be that the rest is history. Hell, I got married at 17, and I don't regret it. It has now been more than 8 years, and it has not always been easy. Anyone who ever says they have a perfect marriage or that marriage is not hard or that it does not take work, lies. However, I can say that through all the rough patches, if two people really work, they can overcome them. There have been many chapters over the last 8 + years, but they have all been adventurous in some way or another.....
Let me make a formal introduction of myself...
My name is Mary. I am 26-years-old. I am currently in graduate school for Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I am from a large family. I will not share details about anyone in my family or disclose their identities. This blog is for me. What do I hope to accomplish by writing this blog? I don't honestly know. Do you ever just get an urge or an instinct to try something different? Have you ever wanted to tell your story? Do you ever wonder if others can learn from your story? If I am being honest, my posts may flip-flop in time frames, but I will try to provide a label (year or time-frame). However, I do feel that other people may benefit from my story or a part of the story. It is not completely filled with angst. There are happy times, depressive times, angry times, etc. Emotions are a part of life, and we do not always have a map to guide us through those emotions. Will I be posting everyday? Not necessarily. When inspiration strikes, I will post, but I do plan to post at a minimum, once per week.
I do not know if anyone will read this, but if you do read this and decide to respond in any way, all I ask is that you are respectful that this is MY story, and MY experiences. I do not want critical and insensitive feedback, but I will accept responses. If anyone is reading this, thank you for taking the time to read and/or follow my story.
Mary
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